An apple a day?

Back on October 27th (the day after my 31st birthday) I started seeing new doctors to help get my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) under control again. There’s a large umbrella of things that goes along with having PCOS and considering the cancer history in my family, I need to get on the ball. This will take a series of doctors, tests and stress. Many people don’t understand why I would be stressed out or worried about all of these appointments. Then again, most people don’t know what my body puts me through on a daily basis, so there’s that. I find that it’s just easier to refrain from even speaking about it. The intricate inner workings of PCOS has caused significant changes in my life and doctors are still working to understand this complex endocrine syndrome.

My first visit was with Dr. Jessie R. Marrs at Pacific Gynecology Specialists Seattle. She instantly put me at ease with a bedside manor I have yet to experience. She was lighthearted with chit chat because she sensed my uneasiness, but when it was time to get down to business she was very focused and thorough. My husband and mother attended the appointment with me to ensure I asked all the questions I needed to and so they could gain a better understanding of what she wanted to see happen. She prescribed me Spironolactone which helps stabilize my Androgen levels and Provera due to my erratic cycle issues. I told Dr. Marrs that there were two tumors found last summer (one on my cervix and one on my uterus), so she also ordered a vaginal and pelvic ultrasound to see if the tumors have changed in size at all. I had my testing done at Seattle Ultrasound and I’m waiting on results. For the record, can I just say how much I HATE vaginal ultrasounds? Ugh.

After hearing about the long line of cancer in my family she became concerned about having BRCA testing completed. When I told her I have had a difficult time getting the testing approved she was appalled and referred me to Dr. Bob Resta, a genetic counselor in Seattle. I see him on 12/2. I highly recommend you take 1:47 to watch this video about genetic counseling. Because PCOS is complex, and because I don’t have a primary care physician right now, she also referred me Dr. Sam Warren in Seattle. I will also see him on 12/2.  I’m hoping Dr. Warren will prescribe me some Metformin to help aid in my treatment of PCOS. And after a year of serious thought, I think I will be speaking to him about some form of anti-anxiety medication. I have realized that me being a high anxiety, high stress person isn’t “normal” like I thought it was.

There are many things I need to do in order to feel better. I need to fix my mind, body and spirit. When I turned 30, I told myself I would make a conscious effort to find peace in all things. Knowing that this would be a life long goal, I began with baby steps and looked inward to understand what makes me tick. There are many things that I will share publicly on social media that don’t really matter at the end of the day, but this is something that matters. Writing this blog was easy, sharing it will not be. The last thing I want is to be judged or made fun of. And honestly, I refuse to tolerate any sort of hurtful remarks that will only make me feel worse about my health. So if that’s what you’re thinking, please stop reading my blog and don’t comment.

Even as I type these words I feel my anxiety level rising as I know I’m about to share these words with the world. Why share it then, right? Maybe it’ll help someone else that isn’t talking about something that scares and angers them. Why would this stress me out? It’s hard to explain. I’ve had a rough road with doctors in the past, and to be perfectly honest, I know my health is not good right now and this forces me to face it and to face the scary things that are lurking in my genes. Let’s face it, most 31 year olds aren’t dealing with what I am. That’s not me feeling sorry for myself, but it’s me telling the truth. While my friends are off having babies I’m sitting here petting my cats and treating them like children because I have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss. I intended to keep that a secret because I felt shameful about it. Logically, I realize that this may not be my fault but as a woman my body is genetically programmed to bear a child and yet I am unable. And no, please don’t tell me, “You never know” because I don’t want to hear it. It’s not helpful. I do know. It’s not a debate.

So this is me posting this for all to read so that I can keep myself accountable with my doctor’s appointments that I’d really rather not even go to, but I will because I need to be an adult and do it. Hopefully by me taking this leap and sharing these words, it’ll help someone out there because it sure scares the hell out of me to be so open. I hope I don’t regret this.