Whole Again

“I would never let myself get to that weight.”

Then you look in the mirror and see a stranger. Someone who has neglected themselves and not just overnight, but for years, no, decades. Someone that says, “I love myself” but is actually trying to convince herself of that each time she says it because deep down, she feels completely inadequate. Feelings of inadequacy are like an old friend, swimming around in her mind for as long as she can remember. Someone who completes everything else she sets her mind to except that one thing that she can’t seem to get a grip on. She wants to love others but does not feel like she is deserving of the love that others reciprocate.

You already know I’m talking about myself, and if you didn’t, well, surprise! 

I’m writing this the night before I make a big lifestyle change. If you know me, you know that I am morbidly overweight. My weight is such a touchy subject for me. Some of you know about my struggles with PCOS, but it goes much deeper than that. I’ve gone through a lot in my life and I typically don’t think of it that often to tell you the truth. I think that has been a deliberate action. I’d rather not face what has hurt me. Of course, sometimes those aches come back after something triggered it to refresh itself in my overpopulated, overstimulated brain, but I’m just as happy to tuck most of that stuff way down deep, below the sweets, the chips, and the fried foods.

For several months now, I’ve been giving myself the opportunity to explore my brain and analyze who I am. This part of me is nothing new, but the part I have been analyzing is. I think it began when I spent the weekend in Philadelphia walking the Susan G. Komen 3-Day, sixty-mile walk for breast cancer.  When you have that many miles ahead of you there’s lots of time to think, except it didn’t stop when I got home. My brain is always racing about 10,000 miles a minute, but who I am as an overweight person and WHY has been on mind since mid-October.

Admittedly, I have a lot of secrets. As a Scorpio, I’m fantastic about keeping my mouth shut about my secrets and secrets I’ve been told. None of my secrets are anything cool like I’m a spy or a billionaire. These secrets are painful and rather than going to a counselor about them, I’m just trying to get through my life in hopes that the more years I put between the initial hurt and the present day, the less it’ll hurt. I’m also not too keen on the idea of rehashing most of the memories of my life prior to the age of 25. Things have become a lot better in my life since then, but the years before that, my body aches from the bumps, twists, turns, and jerks (literally and metaphorically.)

Sometimes there’s not much you can do to control situations. It may be because you’re financially or mentally incapable, it could be that the conflict is between you and a family member and confronting a family member would be far too difficult, or it could be because you’re a scared little girl. Or it could be all of those things. When you go through things that cause you pain from people that should love and protect you, I think it’s easy to not make yourself a priority, especially if you’re not being treated like one by the people around you. Eventually, you learn to take what you can get and be happy with it, not realizing that this will only lead you to mistreatment of yourself in the future.

Food has always been a comfort to me. It has never lied to me. It has never broken my heart. It has never made fun of my appearance. It has never made me feel inadequate. It has never judged or misunderstood me. It has never cheated on me. It has never done things to my body without my permission. It has never made me cry myself to sleep. It has never left welts or bruises on me. It has never made me think that maybe God made a mistake by bringing me here. It has always been the hug I needed but never wanted to ask for. 

Tomorrow morning, this imprisonment is ending and to tell you the truth, I think it has already started coming to an end. I think it began back on that walk through Philadelphia when I was pushed to limits I didn’t know I could exceed. I think it started even further back when I quit drinking soda nine months ago. I’ve decided to take on a fitness program and I couldn’t possibly explain how ready I am. I think I deserve this. The weight that I carry isn’t just on my body but deeply embedded within the layers of my soul. A place that only I can go and a place only I can fix.

I have been careful to keep my mouth shut and not tell many people about this lifestyle change until, at least, the end of March when I see how my first month goes. I know myself well enough to know that I’ll find it extremely annoying to have people ask me every single day how it’s going. I know this sounds rude and I’m being ungrateful for what they view as support. For me, I think it just breaks my concentration. It’s really hard to explain why I feel that way. I don’t mind a few people asking, so if you’re reading this blog at the end of February/beginning of March, consider it okay to check with me on this at any time. You’re reading this because I trust you – deeply. And for those that know me well, trust is not easy for me to give away. I chalk that up to years of emotional damage by people close to me. The older I get, the better I am at choosing my circle. Thank you for being a part of it.

I will take pictures and save them under lock and key on my phone so I can look back and get a visual for the length of road I’ve traveled. Don’t be offended if I don’t share some of the  really bad ones with you. For as bad as I feel on the inside, I feel like I look like that on the outside. I think that’s probably why I don’t feel worthy of the love that people willingly give me. I know how negative I sound right now, and I don’t like it. Plus, I know that there are people in this world that have it way worse than I could ever imagine. I try to remind myself of that when I start to feel sorry for myself about the above-mentioned topics.

I am so positive about being “Brave Enough” to fight through the demons to lift both kinds of weight off of my body.

Nothing worth having comes easily. Nothing worth having comes easily. Nothing worth having comes easily.

It won’t always be hard but it will always be worth it. 

It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.

Much love and many thanks,

A