Make It Stop

Okay. First of all, I’m sick right now so I’m overly sensitive. I’m not even sure if this is going to make any sense. I feel like I have a lot on my mind and I’m going to throw up the words all over this keyboard. Doesn’t that sound messy? Buckle up!

I guess I got set off today by an email I woke up to this afternoon. Remember, I’m sick, so I’ve been napping. Anyway. Without revealing too much, it said that the twins may be returning home next month. Sigh. We’ve been through this before and we thought it was resolved. We were told that the transition period wouldn’t be abrupt for a variety of imperative reasons. If they go home next month, that’s going to be way too much on all of them and that’s just not fair. They’ve been through enough, especially their mom, and it’s not fair to throw them all in the cage together to see who makes it out alive. She deserves to have them phased into her new, stable life.

Even with being protective over the kids and their mom in mind, I sunk a little deeper into the couch and hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I buried my face so I wouldn’t wake Mitch up with my sobs. My sweet, smelly, funny, dirty, adorable, chaotic family is disbanding.  We pray that once their mom needs a break she will reach out to us. She has told us multiple times that she will, but she’s not obligated to do that. If you didn’t have your family for 18-20 months, would you want to share them with anyone? Hell, I don’t want them to go home permanently and they’re not even my flesh and blood. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her. Our loss is her gain and as hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s the truth.

I’ve been in counseling since May. I knew I needed to get my head and my heart straight before we started opening the door to kids with hard lives. It has been so good for me. It has been week after week of raw truth which has been difficult, but necessary. I am so grateful I started counseling when I did because it has helped me deal with the emotional roller coaster of this new life. Referencing back to my previous paragraph, the old me would say, “It is what it is. This is what we signed up for, so that’s just the way it is.” Regardless of whether that’s true or not, I was cutting off, slamming shut, dead bolting the door to my true emotions. Now that I’m months into the healing process, I can recognize that this is an emotional time for me, and rightfully so.

Instead of disregarding my feelings, I’m facing them head on. I’m digging deep and sinking into those deeply sad feelings. I couldn’t describe to you how uncomfortable it can be, but try it, sit there, stay awhile, you might learn something. I told my counselor that I realized I was discrediting their mom for certain things because I was jealous of her. No matter how well loved they are in my house, she still gets them back and that made me sad. So instead of just being sad I’d show anger instead and my anger turned to jealousy. It’s so easy for me or a friend to say that they belong with us, that we deserve to keep them, but that’s not fair. None of us would say that to their mom’s face. Let’s just be honest. She’s a person, too. She’s felt trauma, depression, and hopeless as many of us have. It’s not for us to judge her. It’s just not. And believe me, this entire paragraph contains some of the hardest truths I have had to admit through this entire process.

So what now? How can I make it stop? I can’t. Instead of being angry I’ll let myself be sad when I need to be and enjoy my girls the rest of the time. I’ll sink in and let myself sit in those uncomfortable feelings because I know deep down that they are teaching me lessons on trust, love, and perseverance.